Tuesday, July 09, 2002

I've needed to update this for a while...but either I've been too busy or just plain couldn't drag my ass out of bed in time to do a long blog. So the last that I left was my rant with an upcoming wedding of my best friend Randa and Chris. So here's how it all worked out.

Pre-Bachelorette Party:

Prior to the evening I had Bryant (the x) run me around for various bachelorette propoganda. At the beginning we were walking to the Chipotle burrito place and he had mentioned something for going for a walk in wash park the eve before. Knowing him, knowing what time he got off work and all, and that he didn't return my call until well after 10pm, and knowing he didn't go to Paris that evening, I knew there was something up. One of his friends from High School set him up with a gal that she had met online and set up a "dog walk" type thing between the two. Being that I have been having my "associations" with my ex, I felt quite betrayed..hurt...I mean, It was 4pm and we were on our way to get something to eat, I hadn't eaten anything all day, but by the time I got my burrito I was so nauseated with anger I took two bites and was full. STRIKE ONE So that started out the evening on a bad foot. But he still ran me around to the different "adult" stores where I bought a bachelorette veil, glow-in-the-dark penis sip straws, "dicklets" penis-shaped gum, a bachelorette "spin wheel" of different activities, and grabbed a bunch of different flavoured condoms as consolation prizes to the guys who spun the wheel and ended up hitting something that the bride to be couldn't do. (rules from the pre-hubby)

The *Actual* Bachelorette Party:

The Bride to be(Randa), the bridesmaid(Toni), and the mother of the groom(Lynda), and the mother of the bride(Deena) and I started out at Rock Bottom Brewery for dinner. On the way there, Deena was having problems in the parking garage with her huge Yukon and squeezing into a spot, me with my hatred of all SUV's and silly sports car things made a comment when she said that she didn't want to take up two spaces I basically said "well, you could be like one of those cocky Audi drivers and take up two spaces"...not knowing that the mother of the groom drives an Audi. STRIKE TWO for the day. Needless to say I backtracked un-convincingly, and I thought to myself "this is going to be the night from hell". Took a deep breath, shook my head, and tried to move on. Dinner went well, everyone enjoyed their meal...our waitress was someone who I know of the RB staff and she kicked close to $50 off our bill..start of a *better* evening. Randa, Toni and I all did "blowjob" shots without using hands...got some priceless pix..lemme tell ya. Anyhow...from there we went to a club a few blocks down called the Lucky Star...my friends and I joke and call it the "Lucky Whore" because it's such a meat-market. The only place on a saturday without a cover. Being that both mothers wanted to get home and not have to pay an extensive cover..we went there. (most clubs in denver on a saturday cover STARTS at $10). So we hung out there lalallala...had both mothers on the dance floor dancing with us and then they decided to go....but so did Toni(the bridesmaid) and suddenly she had to work on her parent's ranch at 6am. Anyhow...Randa and I took a cab down to *our* favorite club the church, where not only did we get free cover, we also got a complimentary $20 bar credit upon entry for being a bachelorette party. Next time I know I am broke and wanting to go out, I'll put on a bachelorette's veil and get my lady friends together so I won't have to pay. Makes you wonder how many ppl have done that just to get free shit!?! Anyhow, Randa and I had a blast, I ended up chatting with a guy there, exchanged #'s etc..etc..etc.. didn't mention this earlier, but to avoid the absurd price of almost an hour cab drive my ex offered to pick me and the bride-to-be and drop her off in Brighton. It was a LOT of fun...

....until the next morning...

I got home from my ex's house and had a message on my home answering machine. Basically said "Marla, you wouldn't BELIEVE the shit that Toni was talking about the two of us last night...give me a call when you get this"

I called Randa back only to find out that Toni had basically trashed us, spewing lies the whole ride home from Downtown to her house.

"Well I didn't know about the bachelorette party until last night"
~She was told at the engagement party which weekend we had chosen for the party AND what time.

"All that happens at those clubs is you get felt up and groped all night, once you've been to one you've been to them all"
~What you attract is what you GET..I'm sorry..but Randa and I danced together...OMG!! She didn't even dance with one single guy (rules). Toni is NOTORIOUS for hooking up with strangers that she meets at clubs.

"Well...I don't trust that Bryant guy"
~Ok...just a brief history..she moved in with a guy that she had known for 2 weeks who has now turned out to be a total alcoholic asshole...and feels she has the right to trash my ex that she has met(and hit on when she did) all of ONCE?!?!

Needless to say we were both pissed off. Randa was supposed to have Toni do her hair, but after this, she (smartly) made an appointment at a salon prior to the wedding being that if she was talking THAT much trash before the wedding, what would stop her from messing up her hair the day of the wedding.

Rehearsal Dinner:

Randa and I decided that it would be best not to confront Toni being that she is one of those women who WILL cause a scene whenever she feels neccisary...so we ignored it. Bryant gave me a ride down to the rehearsal dinner, hung out..etc...etc..etc..all went smoothly there.

Wedding Day!!

My mother picked me up about 4pm...didn't have to be there until 5:30...but given the upcoming 4th weekend...everyone and their &*%(#ing mother was going out of town and we did end up hitting rush hour traffic...but still ended up getting there a little after 5pm. I told my mother about the whole "lying" situation and advised her to steer clear of her. Randa showed up a little bit later than expected...but oh well..all of us were in a tizzy getting my dress, Toni's dress ironed, the veil also, getting Randa's makeup on, chasing around Randa's 3yo son, trying to make sure that the groom wasn't trying to get in..etc...etc..etc..but all went beautifully. Randa, Chris(the groom), Matt(the best man) and I all went to the same Junior high...it was all kind of crazy. But I saw Matt come out in his tux and I was basically like DAMN he looks good! The wedding/reception went off without a hitch....it was a fun time.


After the wedding reception the "wedding party" all went to decorate the car. The Bride and Groom thought that they would escape the typical "doing the car" ritual if they had their paren'ts drive them up...even though we were in Golden, and the car was in Northglenn...we all caravaned it down and made sure that their car was done right. After that, me, Matt, and Toni went down to Park Central Lounge and had a few drinks and did some Kareaoke. It was a fun time...I flirted my heart out with Matt..but it's hard to know if I got anywhere being that he is almost painfully shy. Toni met up with her boyfriend Troy, and they dropped Matt and I down at his car in front of the Groom's house. As we were getting ready to get in the car, Lynda (groom's mom) came out and invited us inside for wine/beer and to look at some of the photo's she snapped on her digital camera. 4am we finally were able to escape. Matt drove me home and me thinking nothing of it gave him a smakeroo on the lips...he looked shocked. Anyhow...I told him to "call me" so we could "hang out" or something like that.

Saturday July 6th:

Me being the silly socialite that I am, I accidently double-booked myself with the chap that I met at the bachelorette party(Mike), and the Best Man of the wedding(Matt)...so I *tried* to make it a "group thing" which backfired. Anyhow, it was the 3 of us at Kareoke night at Armida's...and both trying to kind of "one up" eachother with different things. Ended up being a fun time...as Matt was driving me home he was just kind of like "Yeah, that guy seems to really like you" and I was like "Yeah, but I'm picky though..."dropping subtle hints as to that he (matt) was more of my style of liking.

Sunday July 7:

Bryant had his parent's and little sis' in town from Wed-Sat...and we had made tentative plans to go out on Sunday. We went and saw "Minority Report"...and I rubbed in his face the fact that I had been out and having fun with various people. I think I'm going to distance myself from him for a while...I need to...I know I've said this a gazillion times, but this time I think I really am going to make an effort. 2 mo? 1mo? who knows.

This concludes the update...I now realize I have forgotten a few things, but I am tired and in need of going to sleep. I'll fillin the blanks of Thursday and Friday tomorrow. It's been an eventful week...er...two weeks. :)

Monday, June 24, 2002

I have just been exhausted the past few days...can't seem to get enough sleep. The weekend was fairly uneventful, took a "personal sanity day" again on friday, and spent the time with my archeaology boy. I believe he leaves today. Saturday went for a hike with bryant, his dog georgia, myself, and my velvet. Was fun. Yesterday I slept...surfed...slept more...then went shopping and found a cheap digital camera at walmart. Been having fun playing with that. Soon I'll have pics galore on my website. :D

Friday, June 21, 2002

Went down to Paris and My Brother's bar last night, met Bryant down there, when I pulled up him, and Dave were having political discussion on legislation and bike laws for/against how to get more ppl involved etc. Dave is the head of the UTMC our ringleader so to speak. I also asked him about posting flyers at Sportique, to see if it would be ok if I snagged the emblem and made flyers to get more of a scooter community on the site instead of feeling a bit alienated by not having a "highway friendly" bike. He approved etc..etc..etc. Went to my brothers to catch up with the rest of the crew, and they started having this discussion about Beverly Hills 90210. I looked at Bryant and basically said "Wanna blow this joint?" went back to his house and watched harry potter. Got to his house and there were cops in the alleyway (when we were parking the bikes) and some guy came home to find a guy trying to steal stuff from his garage...lovely. I was a bit paranoid for the rest of the evening, and couldn't go to sleep until B checked the garage and made sure everything was still there...of course he goes out locked and loaded ready for action..lol.

Things are feeling like they aren't going to work out with the archeaology boy. I mean, he's hardly in town, and when he is I'll be lucky if I get to see him for one day. Whine, whine, whine...I am high maintenance in a romantic relationship, I mean, *I* feel that *I* deserve a good chunk of time, attention, and yes, spoilage factor is a thing too. But these are also things that will be returned in kind, so I guess that's not too bad(?) Yea, I admit it, I'm pretty fucking demanding, but if this is what it takes to make/keep me happy, then it's all a matter of neccessity.

Once again I'm back to the proverbial drawing board...and a month ago I was dating almost too many guys...feast or famine. It doesn't really matter how many guys I'm dating, I'll take quality over quantity anytime. The men here in denver are like the jobs that are in denver, all the good one's are taken, and all the rest leave you feeling shortchanged.

Thursday, June 20, 2002

Gawd...my head hurts. Partied a bit too hard last night. Went to rock bottom, hung out with the crew etc...etc...etc. I get home and someone starts yelling at me from the other side of the street. One of my neighbors, bored, drinking, invites me over, we have a drink etc..etc..etc. Basically end up partying until the sun rises.

To my suprise last night I called my Archeaology boy's house to check his message and see when he would get back...and he was allready back. Woke him up, then basically gave him an earfull for not calling me when he got in (in a joking manner tho). That was sort of a shocker. I totally spaced having an appt to get my bike in for service @ sportique Anyhow...gotta go to work today, s'posed to go to paris with bryant and the rest of the UTMC crowd tonight. I sure as hell really don't want to be drinking. Not much drama right now, I kinda had a partial freak-out last night before I went out, I called the ex bf's home phone to see if he was home or out. Anyhow, the phone rang so that meant he wasn't hanging out at home (or so I thought) cuz otherwise the phone line would be busy from him being o/l. Boy I got pissed...made the rest of the evening at work go really quickly. So I called his cell when I got off work to see what he was up to...and he was just "chillin' at home" he just wasn't online. I had all this silliness in my head about him out with the 19 y.o. grrrrrr....

" I'm sweet as a peach 'till you piss me off, then I'll hurt you."

Tuesday, June 18, 2002

Didn't sleep too well last night (as usual) Woke up this morning coughing because so much smoke had wafted into the open window from the CO fires...

The state...the state...the state is on fire...
we don't need no water let the motherfucker burn...
burn motherfucker...burn...

Had to do it. Makes you wonder if it's bloody armageddon or something. Speaking of bloody, no more pregnancy worries as of today. A bit of a relief. Hopefully some of this stress will dissipate. Supposed to meet the ex for lunch today, got nothing better to do, was planning on going to lunch anyhow, at least I won't be alone right? Wow, there is something ultimately fucked up in that saying right there "at least I won't be alone"... screams dependency..I need to think about this one a bit to hit it on the nose. It'll give me something to chew on while I'm at work.
Sooo..last thursday I wimped out on buying a home preg test..mainly for the fact of the other products being purchased: two diet mountain dew, chili-cheese fritos "and could I get a pack of parliament lights too?"...along with a preg test..behing a line of a gazillion ppl looking all in dismay because of the wait and being nosy enough to look. I DON'T THINK SO. So that brings us to last friday where I went to the grocery, got prettymuch the same thing, but I did the "self-checkout" so no one would be looking and no rolling eyes. Anyhow, it came back neg...but I still have yet to have anything happen...still a week late..well..actually a week and a half now. I ended up purchasing a test that had a "free test" with it...so the next one I'll take on thursday if nothing happens this week. Not that I really *feel* that I am that way, it's just the dreamworld that has really been messing with me.

Saturday I co-hosted a dinner party over at my ex's place, made beef and artichoke fettucini...turned out WONDERFULLY. One of his friends from the UTMC site Mugz was over, with 2 of mugz's ex girlfriends. All of which were under the age of 20...wierd...straight wierd. Sure, they were mature for their age and all...but...a lot of what my ex and I would say they didn't get. I had a wierd feeling about my ex that night too...I mean..these girls are barely legal...and I could have sworn he was looking at one. I swear, with all that has been going on, if anything happens between the two of them, it will start a war..serious war. I had a dream last night that he had hooked up with this girl whatever, I ended up preg, he didn't believe the child was his, went through the whole pregnancy alone, did a DNA test after the baby was born only to find it was his after all...but me being the crafty bitch that I am, because he was such an ass, I slipped a sub-contract underneath the consent for a DNA test that he signed basically waiving any or all parental rights if the DNA test proved that he was the father. Perhaps I've been watching too much TV, perhaps I know the legal system way too well...perhaps I'm looking after my best interest. All I know is the last 2 times that I've slept with the ex I wasn't too sure that the condom worked. Hopefully the GYN was right in her saying that it would be hard to concieve right now...I hope...I pray...(kinda)...I really just wish that I could side-swipe my emotions sometimes. Hell...if I could do that I think it would do me a world of good. It's just hard..becaus the ex is *always* there...he's always available...always looking to keep me in some pseudo manipulative "in-between relationship" state. It's unhealthy, it's wrong, but I somehow am enabling it. I like to say that I am strong, that I can overcome anything....love itself is a weakness. Still trying to figure the balance, and maintain my sanity. Sanity at times can be overrated...but I can see my vindictive side coming out if he screws me over. I don't WANT to be mean, I don't WANT to be a bitch, I don't WANT my emotions to control me. Sometimes it's hard to maintain the control. I guess I kind of feel like I'm slowly falling apart at times...all the plans...all the dreams I have had...and I am seeing them evaporate around me leaving me questioning myself, my life goals, my friends, my family. A few years ago I had all my ducks in a row...education in an IT setting, awesome BF getting ready to propose, decent P/T job while going to school...now if I graduate I'll be lucky to FIND a job, the awesome BF getting ready to propose is GONE, the perfect P/T job is getting ready to dissapear as well. Talk about getting a rug lifted out from under you. Some days I wonder how I make it through without sending myself into a tizzy and causing some wierd panick disorder that I never knew I had to come out. Other days I'm just friggin' oblivious to what is going on, apothetic about the actions and consequences as well. I've lost my focus...I've lost my lust for life my "joi de vivre" and I don't know how to get it back. I wander in and out of wierd "worse case scenerio's" for my life while typing away at my job, by the end of the day I don't want to think anymore, I don't want to dream anymore because all of my dreams are now...vanishing...quickly. I can't sleep a lot at night because when I go to sleep is much worse than what any self-imagined scenario plays out because me in my romantic sense I always think of a solution to my "worse case scenarios". The scary part about that resolution is that I'm leaving it for someone else to take control.

I guess I am realizing more and more that I am not as independant as I like to think that I am. I still rely on friends and family to take me in when the shit hits the fan...but will they? Still something I'm trying to figure out. Ultimately I am going through a time in my life that I am feeling like everything is up in the air...and it TERRIFIES ME. Things I don't have control over, things that I feel that I should. I wish I could control the job market..I wish I could find a full-time day job...I wish I was 30lbs lighter...guess this is my time to say the serenity prayer:

"God grant me the patience to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference"

Thursday, June 13, 2002

I had a nightmare last night that I was pregnant...but I didn't know who the father was. Saw everyone in my life voice their disproval, judgments, etc. on being a single mom, how "selfish" it is to bring a child into the world without a father or in that case knowing who the father was. At some point I was on a talk show where they did DNA tests to find who the dad was and somehow when they announced who the father was there was just this faceless man. Creepy wierd. I woke up this morning feeling nauseated and pretty much did an "oh shit" and realized that I'm a week late. Lovely, lovely, lovely. I think I'll buy a test on my way into work just for my own peace of mind. Very unlikely it'll be positive, but you never know, you can never be too careful.

Tuesday, June 11, 2002

I miss my ex right now, I really do. Why? That is harder to answer for me. I miss him for the companionship, the security of knowing that he loves me..etc..etc..etc. I don't know why I feel this way so much. It's pretty damned obious that I still have a LOT of feelings for him, but at the same time I am not ready to grow up, nor am I ready to deal with the pain of heartbreak. So I sit here in limbo waiting for him to want me more, make him want to wait for me...but I know that this is not going to happen. I don't WANT to deal with the pain, I don't WANT to deal with the upset...I don't WANT to have to search for another. I still haven't fully accepted that he is NOT it. I want to remain optimistic...but at the same time I don't want to be made a fool of. I know what is going to happen, I know I won't be ready for it, and I'm pretty sure it'll send me into a downward spiral. As if I have a good time staying out of the :"spiral" as it is. I don't want to have to heal, I want things to finally work out for once. I don't know if I can take another heartbreak. Still...today I was waiting for his e-mail forgetting the fact he was in class and I checked my mailbox incessently. I don't know how to separete things with him and remain friends. Most of my exes treated me so bad that I "didn't want ANYMORE" I think that's the problem here...he's not a complete asshole...it's hard because I still love him...love him so much I would still die to keep him alive...but a relationship with him is not something that is possible right now. I am sooooo conflicted.