Monday, June 24, 2002

I have just been exhausted the past few days...can't seem to get enough sleep. The weekend was fairly uneventful, took a "personal sanity day" again on friday, and spent the time with my archeaology boy. I believe he leaves today. Saturday went for a hike with bryant, his dog georgia, myself, and my velvet. Was fun. Yesterday I slept...surfed...slept more...then went shopping and found a cheap digital camera at walmart. Been having fun playing with that. Soon I'll have pics galore on my website. :D

Friday, June 21, 2002

Went down to Paris and My Brother's bar last night, met Bryant down there, when I pulled up him, and Dave were having political discussion on legislation and bike laws for/against how to get more ppl involved etc. Dave is the head of the UTMC our ringleader so to speak. I also asked him about posting flyers at Sportique, to see if it would be ok if I snagged the emblem and made flyers to get more of a scooter community on the site instead of feeling a bit alienated by not having a "highway friendly" bike. He approved etc..etc..etc. Went to my brothers to catch up with the rest of the crew, and they started having this discussion about Beverly Hills 90210. I looked at Bryant and basically said "Wanna blow this joint?" went back to his house and watched harry potter. Got to his house and there were cops in the alleyway (when we were parking the bikes) and some guy came home to find a guy trying to steal stuff from his garage...lovely. I was a bit paranoid for the rest of the evening, and couldn't go to sleep until B checked the garage and made sure everything was still there...of course he goes out locked and loaded ready for

Things are feeling like they aren't going to work out with the archeaology boy. I mean, he's hardly in town, and when he is I'll be lucky if I get to see him for one day. Whine, whine, whine...I am high maintenance in a romantic relationship, I mean, *I* feel that *I* deserve a good chunk of time, attention, and yes, spoilage factor is a thing too. But these are also things that will be returned in kind, so I guess that's not too bad(?) Yea, I admit it, I'm pretty fucking demanding, but if this is what it takes to make/keep me happy, then it's all a matter of neccessity.

Once again I'm back to the proverbial drawing board...and a month ago I was dating almost too many guys...feast or famine. It doesn't really matter how many guys I'm dating, I'll take quality over quantity anytime. The men here in denver are like the jobs that are in denver, all the good one's are taken, and all the rest leave you feeling shortchanged.

Thursday, June 20, 2002 head hurts. Partied a bit too hard last night. Went to rock bottom, hung out with the crew etc...etc...etc. I get home and someone starts yelling at me from the other side of the street. One of my neighbors, bored, drinking, invites me over, we have a drink etc..etc..etc. Basically end up partying until the sun rises.

To my suprise last night I called my Archeaology boy's house to check his message and see when he would get back...and he was allready back. Woke him up, then basically gave him an earfull for not calling me when he got in (in a joking manner tho). That was sort of a shocker. I totally spaced having an appt to get my bike in for service @ sportique Anyhow...gotta go to work today, s'posed to go to paris with bryant and the rest of the UTMC crowd tonight. I sure as hell really don't want to be drinking. Not much drama right now, I kinda had a partial freak-out last night before I went out, I called the ex bf's home phone to see if he was home or out. Anyhow, the phone rang so that meant he wasn't hanging out at home (or so I thought) cuz otherwise the phone line would be busy from him being o/l. Boy I got pissed...made the rest of the evening at work go really quickly. So I called his cell when I got off work to see what he was up to...and he was just "chillin' at home" he just wasn't online. I had all this silliness in my head about him out with the 19 y.o. grrrrrr....

" I'm sweet as a peach 'till you piss me off, then I'll hurt you."

Tuesday, June 18, 2002

Didn't sleep too well last night (as usual) Woke up this morning coughing because so much smoke had wafted into the open window from the CO fires...

The state...the state...the state is on fire...
we don't need no water let the motherfucker burn...
burn motherfucker...burn...

Had to do it. Makes you wonder if it's bloody armageddon or something. Speaking of bloody, no more pregnancy worries as of today. A bit of a relief. Hopefully some of this stress will dissipate. Supposed to meet the ex for lunch today, got nothing better to do, was planning on going to lunch anyhow, at least I won't be alone right? Wow, there is something ultimately fucked up in that saying right there "at least I won't be alone"... screams dependency..I need to think about this one a bit to hit it on the nose. It'll give me something to chew on while I'm at work.
Sooo..last thursday I wimped out on buying a home preg test..mainly for the fact of the other products being purchased: two diet mountain dew, chili-cheese fritos "and could I get a pack of parliament lights too?"...along with a preg test..behing a line of a gazillion ppl looking all in dismay because of the wait and being nosy enough to look. I DON'T THINK SO. So that brings us to last friday where I went to the grocery, got prettymuch the same thing, but I did the "self-checkout" so no one would be looking and no rolling eyes. Anyhow, it came back neg...but I still have yet to have anything happen...still a week late..well..actually a week and a half now. I ended up purchasing a test that had a "free test" with the next one I'll take on thursday if nothing happens this week. Not that I really *feel* that I am that way, it's just the dreamworld that has really been messing with me.

Saturday I co-hosted a dinner party over at my ex's place, made beef and artichoke fettucini...turned out WONDERFULLY. One of his friends from the UTMC site Mugz was over, with 2 of mugz's ex girlfriends. All of which were under the age of 20...wierd...straight wierd. Sure, they were mature for their age and all...but...a lot of what my ex and I would say they didn't get. I had a wierd feeling about my ex that night too...I mean..these girls are barely legal...and I could have sworn he was looking at one. I swear, with all that has been going on, if anything happens between the two of them, it will start a war..serious war. I had a dream last night that he had hooked up with this girl whatever, I ended up preg, he didn't believe the child was his, went through the whole pregnancy alone, did a DNA test after the baby was born only to find it was his after all...but me being the crafty bitch that I am, because he was such an ass, I slipped a sub-contract underneath the consent for a DNA test that he signed basically waiving any or all parental rights if the DNA test proved that he was the father. Perhaps I've been watching too much TV, perhaps I know the legal system way too well...perhaps I'm looking after my best interest. All I know is the last 2 times that I've slept with the ex I wasn't too sure that the condom worked. Hopefully the GYN was right in her saying that it would be hard to concieve right now...I hope...I pray...(kinda)...I really just wish that I could side-swipe my emotions sometimes. Hell...if I could do that I think it would do me a world of good. It's just hard..becaus the ex is *always* there...he's always available...always looking to keep me in some pseudo manipulative "in-between relationship" state. It's unhealthy, it's wrong, but I somehow am enabling it. I like to say that I am strong, that I can overcome itself is a weakness. Still trying to figure the balance, and maintain my sanity. Sanity at times can be overrated...but I can see my vindictive side coming out if he screws me over. I don't WANT to be mean, I don't WANT to be a bitch, I don't WANT my emotions to control me. Sometimes it's hard to maintain the control. I guess I kind of feel like I'm slowly falling apart at times...all the plans...all the dreams I have had...and I am seeing them evaporate around me leaving me questioning myself, my life goals, my friends, my family. A few years ago I had all my ducks in a in an IT setting, awesome BF getting ready to propose, decent P/T job while going to if I graduate I'll be lucky to FIND a job, the awesome BF getting ready to propose is GONE, the perfect P/T job is getting ready to dissapear as well. Talk about getting a rug lifted out from under you. Some days I wonder how I make it through without sending myself into a tizzy and causing some wierd panick disorder that I never knew I had to come out. Other days I'm just friggin' oblivious to what is going on, apothetic about the actions and consequences as well. I've lost my focus...I've lost my lust for life my "joi de vivre" and I don't know how to get it back. I wander in and out of wierd "worse case scenerio's" for my life while typing away at my job, by the end of the day I don't want to think anymore, I don't want to dream anymore because all of my dreams are now...vanishing...quickly. I can't sleep a lot at night because when I go to sleep is much worse than what any self-imagined scenario plays out because me in my romantic sense I always think of a solution to my "worse case scenarios". The scary part about that resolution is that I'm leaving it for someone else to take control.

I guess I am realizing more and more that I am not as independant as I like to think that I am. I still rely on friends and family to take me in when the shit hits the fan...but will they? Still something I'm trying to figure out. Ultimately I am going through a time in my life that I am feeling like everything is up in the air...and it TERRIFIES ME. Things I don't have control over, things that I feel that I should. I wish I could control the job market..I wish I could find a full-time day job...I wish I was 30lbs lighter...guess this is my time to say the serenity prayer:

"God grant me the patience to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference"

Thursday, June 13, 2002

I had a nightmare last night that I was pregnant...but I didn't know who the father was. Saw everyone in my life voice their disproval, judgments, etc. on being a single mom, how "selfish" it is to bring a child into the world without a father or in that case knowing who the father was. At some point I was on a talk show where they did DNA tests to find who the dad was and somehow when they announced who the father was there was just this faceless man. Creepy wierd. I woke up this morning feeling nauseated and pretty much did an "oh shit" and realized that I'm a week late. Lovely, lovely, lovely. I think I'll buy a test on my way into work just for my own peace of mind. Very unlikely it'll be positive, but you never know, you can never be too careful.

Tuesday, June 11, 2002

I miss my ex right now, I really do. Why? That is harder to answer for me. I miss him for the companionship, the security of knowing that he loves me..etc..etc..etc. I don't know why I feel this way so much. It's pretty damned obious that I still have a LOT of feelings for him, but at the same time I am not ready to grow up, nor am I ready to deal with the pain of heartbreak. So I sit here in limbo waiting for him to want me more, make him want to wait for me...but I know that this is not going to happen. I don't WANT to deal with the pain, I don't WANT to deal with the upset...I don't WANT to have to search for another. I still haven't fully accepted that he is NOT it. I want to remain optimistic...but at the same time I don't want to be made a fool of. I know what is going to happen, I know I won't be ready for it, and I'm pretty sure it'll send me into a downward spiral. As if I have a good time staying out of the :"spiral" as it is. I don't want to have to heal, I want things to finally work out for once. I don't know if I can take another heartbreak. I was waiting for his e-mail forgetting the fact he was in class and I checked my mailbox incessently. I don't know how to separete things with him and remain friends. Most of my exes treated me so bad that I "didn't want ANYMORE" I think that's the problem here...he's not a complete's hard because I still love him so much I would still die to keep him alive...but a relationship with him is not something that is possible right now. I am sooooo conflicted.

Monday, June 10, 2002

Did a bit more surfing for info on Hypothyroidism. I guess it can cause problems with fertility, as well as can cause low IQ's in infants whose mothers are not on thyroid medication during pregnancy. I didn't mention this earlier, but I was told by my ex that he has HPV or Genital Warts. Did some research on that and I guess HPV is linked to cervical cancer and infertility as well. So this is a hypothetical right now..but looking at things I have not-so-good odds of ever having children with all that I've been exposed too, as well as the complication from just having malignant ovarian cysts. Hard not to bog me down a bit...I'm upset. The only thing I can do is make a Dr's appointment and keep my fingers crossed and see what happens.
Did a bit more surfing for info on Hypothyroidism. I guess it can cause problems with fertility, as well as can cause low IQ's in infants whose mothers are not on thyroid medication during pregnancy. I didn't mention this earlier, but I was told by my ex that he has HPV or Genital Warts. Did some research on that and I guess HPV is linked to cervical cancer and infertility as well. So this is a hypothetical right now..but looking at things I have not-so-good odds of ever having children with all that I've been exposed too, as well as the complication from just having malignant ovarian cysts. Hard not to bog me down a bit...I'm upset. The only thing I can do is make a Dr's appointment and keep my fingers crossed and see what happens.

Sunday, June 09, 2002

Okay, so I am feeling a bit better about things, though everything is still a clusterfuck as usual.

My sister was in town with her hubby this weekend, it was really good getting to see her, my mom, my dad, and my sis' hubby Ken. Sometimes I really miss having her in state. I've been pretty bad about keeping in touch and the whole shabang...but I guess I've kinda been off in my own selfish re-defining daze of somesort...can't really say why, all I know is my energy has been zapped out of me. I also learned that both my sis and mom tested positive for hypothyroidism...did a search on webMD to find out some more info...and basically when I got to the "signs and symptoms" page I was like "yep, got that, yep, been there, yep" tomorrow I am going to make the task of getting a Dr.'s appt and see if that is going on. I mean, I just thought the weight gain was all depo-provera, now perhaps it's a different reason all together.

I haven't heard from my silverwolf in a couple of days...hmm...making me curious, and I swear I saw his green subaru taking the freeway towards boulder when my dad was taking me back to their house. It appeared that a girl with long hair was in his car too. So it makes me wonder if truthfully I am the only one he is seeing. He said that I was the only one...but you can never be too trusting anymore I guess. I would like to say that I am strong enough to not need a man, but it's hard to ademantly stay single just for the reason of being single. I mean, I meet new people all the friggin' time, guaranteed if I go to a bar I will get hit on at least by one person. I dunno...still trying to figure things out.

Saturday, June 08, 2002

Once again I have managed to make a complete clusterfuck of everything. I'm going to make this brief..yes, I did sleep with my "silverwolf" boy...and then after a week or so went by I ended up having some strange re-connection with my ex. This is where the problem lies. I was hoping that my ex wanted me back..well..I guess not..I have no idea what the fuck is going on, tried to ask him questions..etc...he took the easy way out most of it. All I know from him is that he doesn't want a relationship with me, but he doesn't want me seeing anyone else, that he teases me mercilessly with the idea of marriage/children what have you. All I know is it's hard for me to resist him, he's comfortable, I know him...but at the same time I cant sit here and not want something more. I cried earlier tonite because I was so unbelievable frustrated with the whole friggin' situation. I mean, if you don't WANT me...then you don't WANT me..I mean..c'mon. Then it got all into this "eliteism" thing...he was raised rich and privelidged..I however was not..he was basically going on about the ppl in this neighborhood dive and how he didn't feel intrigued, was not intruiged, or blatently didn't care what was coming out of thier mouth. I however, I tend to give ppl a bit more of credit than what they are neccesarily worth. I have learned random lessons from random people and I don't discount it in the least. I'm mad right now because 2 days ago this man was making love to me...and I mean, I'm not really on any birth control.. If I end up pregnant with his child...ugliness...straight ugliness would happen...almost enough to make me want to get an abortion. Though I am not anti-abortion, but for me given my current circumstances I will be LUCKY to conceive. Now I just feel like a fool..for trusting...for feeling..for having hope that things might be different. I'm conflicted to say the least. I don't know if I can exist in the same crowd that he is in...unfortunetely if I want to stay a member of the UTMC...well..I'll have to deal. I hurt, I feel used..abused..and thrown away. God save us all.