Tuesday, April 02, 2002

Okay.,. starting a new blog in the hopes that I might just might keep this one current. I am feeling like a loser at the moment. For one second I thought that physical looks arent as important for what is on the inside. More than anything I am jealous....jealous of a 6'0" blonde...talking to a guy that I like on the internet...wow...my life really is going downhill to think I could possibly mean ANYTHING to ANYONE. I am a joke...something everyone laughs at ..but I'm too busy listening to the background music to really know what's going on. Damn me, why am I crying? Why am I allowing myself to feel again? MIstake number one. No guy or man or person is really going to appreciate me. I'll be 23 on saturday...and gosh darnit, I almost don't even want to have the party that I've invited everyone to. It'll probably be lame anyway...I called about 40 people today...my guess is maybe 5 make it down. I'm feeling very fat and ugly right now...hell..I almost wish I hadn't spent the 3 years overcoming my anorexia right now....I might have actually had a chance with someone. Now I'm just this 155lb blob of woman...recently off the depo shot. Quite an ego blow to but on 20lbs in one calander year, have your life go down the shitter, and then once again just as your regaining your spirit...********SLAM********* Your back on the ground crying and begging for mercy. Is it my curse to give out so much love and not get a single ounce in return?? Perhaps. I knew this internet was a way of hope and dreams and whatnot....I need to once again distance myself from the illusion that someone might like me for who I AM. Maybe in the future...but as for today, it is not that day, and will probably not be that day for a long time. I might as well just give up and give in to being a spinstress. My heart is going numb....day by day...month by month, and year by year.