Friday, May 31, 2002

If only I had the arms of my silverwolf...*sniff* a few more days and he will be back.
Once again I am ranting...and once again it's about the ex. Man he pissed me off today. Not only did I read a post where it basically sounded like he was making out with some chick from the U.T.M.C. he also was trying to rope me in for some fucking competition too. So basically everyone in the fucking group is going to think that I'm some toy, furthermore making it harder for me to get any respect from any of the guys on the site. I am pissed, I am hurt...it's like I don't rub my love life or evening activities in his face by posting about them on the damned websie..but somehow he feels that he is entitled to...after our whole last argument was about me having shit on the posting board. I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING KNOW!!! I mean, jeezus. I still have feelings for him, I am still incredibly attracted to him, and goddamnit I still have that little voice in the back of my head hoping that somehow we will find a way to work it out. It's very apparent that it's not going to happen...but I dunno. Can't believe how much he still effects me. It's pretty damn apparent now that I am not as over him as I thought...but I guess anyone on the outside looking in on this webjournal would look at all of this and go "well duh, he's in almost every single one of your posts"

Monday, May 27, 2002

So the last blog was long, VERY long, but I really needed to vent. Sunday I got together with the ex, (after a very humble e-mail apology) and we went and saw spiderman. Being that we have been having quite a feud lately, he suggested the idea of us hanging out on a friendship basis to get used to being in eachother's presence at U.T.M.C. gatherings. The movie was great, then we went out for cocktails afterward to talk a bit, and have time for the two of us to really sort things out. A lot of things were discussed, a lot of feelings were brought up, I brought up things about my last post, we brought up things about other ugly issues and happenings in our relationship. I finally during a response e-mail prior to that evening told him about the cancer, and explained why I didn't want him to know. He understood, in fact, he blew me out of the water when he offered to be a sperm donor if I was at the end of my 3 years, had no better possibilities in other relationships. Floored me. After all the shit we have been through, he would still do this for me as a friend. Then I really started to think about it, it really started to mess with me in a way. It made me think of the "what if" and if he would "donate" so to speak and then possibly win him over and regain a relationship that for some reason I thought would be "flawless". WOW...this just proves how much of a masochist I am sometimes. No matter what he had put me through, I was sitting there picturing a "perfect", "happy" relationship between the two of us after the past year and a half we were together we made eachother friggin' MISERABLE AS FUCK!!

Today I spent with this guy I met from my Tai Chi class...his name is Brian. He just recently graduated from the same college I am attending with a degree in Archaeology. I still remember the first day of class and my eyes were drawn to him...he definetely has a "presence". Long black hair, shades, bandanna, full-sleeve tatoo's...every inch of me screamed "go get him grrrl!". Of course, I was still lingering in an affair with the ex, but anyhow. On with it. Things progressed and I finally got up the nerve to just "chat" with him. He just has one of those fonzie presences ya know? So cool that you want to be around him, and scared as fuck that he isn't going to like you. Well, I guess as time progressed, things ended up going rather um...well. We hung out on thursday and had an open forum poetry reading/photo exchange/book exchange kind of thing. It was awesome. Anyhow, he called me up saturday wanting to get together with me before he left for a 9-day excavation dig. That was today. This man's kiss makes my knee buckle, makes me wet like a waterfall, and moan for more. I gave in, yup, I got laid....properly so. He was 'bigger' in the size dept than any guy I had ever been with...what a world of difference it can make. All I know is I am looking forward to much more delicious things from this guy, sure, he might have to take a breather because he's a bit "older" (36 in case you were wondering), but believe me, taking your time isn't always a bad thing. I swear, it was a sex fest for me because everything he did felt good, he felt good inside, I couldn't help but come...over...and over...again. 9 days break...well...hopefully that'll give us some time to rest up on sexual energy, and perhaps for me to work on my stamina (never had a guy outlast me that long, time to kick up the cardio..or er...start the cardio..lol) He satisfies me...his spirituality amazes me, his tenderness comforts me, his flame makes mine all that more engorged. 9 days gone...but after that he will be back for 5...*wink*

Saturday, May 25, 2002

Second cryo freeze is now complete...hopefully I shall be on my way towards remission. I am sick right now also, not feeling very well...wow...my head just hurts. I was supposed to be in SD right now, just got done talking o/l with my buddy joe which I was going out there to meet, and also meet up with a few old friends as well. What a load off my mind it is going to be when they tell me that "well, the last procedure did it. No more, you can go now, just remember to go to every one of your "maintenance" appointments" Soon..very soon indeed.

My best friend is planning her wedding, the other day we were chatting at lunch about various things in our lives that were hard. She talked about how excited she was for her wedding, how much she loves her fiance, and how they now have to make a decision of whether or not she goes to Korea with him or not. Basically, they do have the option of her going, but if she does, he will have to have an extended service time of 4 years in order to do so. If she stays behind, she will not get to see her husband for a full year, not even a year after they are married. Tough choices. I vented about my ex and the current drama, how wierd it is that we didn't end up being compatible, and how hard it is to have him in a social situation with other people, and just talk to him. I guess truthfully I did see us getting married , for a while, I did see us having kids, for a while...and then I thought back to when the trouble started...and as the subject of weddings/planning a bachelorette party etc went on...I realized that really, the shit hit the fan the night of the bachelor's party for his best friend sus' wedding. Over him telling me "oh no hun, there aren't going to be any strippers" and come to find out that when he called me later that evening that they were at a hotel, and there wasn't just one, there were TWO strippers. I was out with Randa that night too...and I tell you I was pissed. He had lent me his truck so that I could go see Randa and hang out, and so I could pick him up from the bachelor's party. I was so pissed off I was tempted to not pick him up...tell him that he could WALK home. Normally when I'm angry there's a bit of verbal angst thrown out...this time I was so upset, so angry, so betrayed that I was silent. I picked him up, and as he got into the car I noticed that he smelled like baby lotion...he HATES the smell of baby lotion, and I know this. He got a massage from one of the strippers, but I'd be tempted to say that I bet that wasn't it, it's just what he fessed up to. Not only that, he was WASTED, claimed that guys were pouring meth into their beers and he put his down and picked up the wrong one. I wasn't born yesterday. Not only that, we go to talk about this, and he doesn't apologize for his actions, he merely is defending me, insulting me for it. No, it's not that he just got a massage, it's that he got a massage from a NAKED STRIPPER, an erotic massage that was meant for a certain purpose. It's like the whole foot massage thing in Pulp Fiction, it's the intent behind it all that means everything. His line was "well, all the guys were doing it", and I hate to say it, but I did pull the same line that every teen hears from their parents numerous times "if everyone was jumping off a cliff, would you do that too?" Then he defends again by saying "well, EVERYONE did something, and the massage was the least thing I could get away with to save face" around a group of people that he is not particularly fond of, people that he trashes and dislikes them for being the "lemmings" that they are. I guess some guys were doing shots off the stripper's beavers...some got lap dances...someone paid them to use their double-edged dildo and fuck eachother. Talk about nightmare. This is the shit that breaks up marriages. I told him how his actions made me feel, and he kept defending himself, basically telling me that he didn't care how it made me feel, he'd rather save face to a bunch of assholes that think of my feelings. Wow, I am still very hurt about this incident...an incident that happened almost a year ago. That's it, now I know how and why everything changed. And of course there was a night of the actual wedding where I really screwed up by drinking too much that indeed changed me in his eyes forever as well. I guess I just realize now that neither of us were able to get past that...even though we said that we forgave eachother. Now I know why being with him sent me in a downward spiral to the darkest and deepest depression that I've ever been in. Now I know why I am unable to completely let go, or completely be able to be friends with him, or ever completely trust him. It's still unresolved. Now I've just gotta figure out a way to resolve it.

Tuesday, May 21, 2002

allright...didn't keep the blog current..I guess blog is more of a crises vent area for me than anything...Only when it is too late to call anyone...but too late to even IM your buddies about your heavy shit. Unfortunetely had one of my buddies tell me it was too much for him to handle in one night...WELCOME TO MY LIFE. I am now undergoing cryogenic procedures in order to preserve my uterus and cervix from the cancer that has been found in my ovaries...OH JOY!!...I haven't been laid in soooooo long I am about ready to go nuts. I am an active member of blackletter.org...and my ex is on this site also...and I put up a comment that I thought he would see as a joke..but I guess he didn't and now I am forever regretful. He was at al the bbq's/breakfast ,meetings of this club....but he wouldn't talk to me. After a year and a half together...he wouldn't talk to me. How that bothers me so.. I wish I would have been able to pull him aside..but at those situations, it was not the time, nor the place, if shit got ugly...well..ppl. would be taking sides. NOT what I want. I am so conflicted right now..I sent off an e-mail apology mainly because he won't accept my calls....but mainly because I've had a few days to think about it. He called me up last monday ACCUSING me of talking shit about him when he was out of town..then proceeded to question EVERY person that I talked to to make SURE that I didn't talk shit after I TOLD HIM that I DIDN'T TALK SHIT...WTF?? More than anything...the thing that hurt me is the fact that after a year and a half...he STILL doesn't trust me. All I said was "Oh yeah, he's a great guy, good to know, you'll have a lot of fun"...other than that...I didn't say a thing up until the point where he was accusing me of shit. I vented to one person...ONE person...because I feel betrayed...I feel hurt that he thinks I would do that to him. I feel that he truly doesn't know me at all.........and after year and a half...I'm not sure i know him at all either. It hurts...my chest has hurt inside for days...I ache...I can't sleep..I can't eat...I'm miserable...over someone who will never respect me..which just makes me sadder.
allright...didn't keep the blog current..I guess blog is more of a crises vent area for me than anything...Only when it is too late to call anyone...but too late to even IM your buddies about your heavy shit. Unfortunetely had one of my buddies tell me it was too much for him to handle in one night...WELCOME TO MY LIFE. I am now undergoing cryogenic procedures in order to preserve my uterus and cervix from the cancer that has been found in my ovaries...OH JOY!!...I haven't been laid in soooooo long I am about ready to go nuts. I am an active member of blackletter.org...and my ex is on this site also...and I put up a comment that I thought he would see as a joke..but I guess he didn't and now I am forever regretful. He was at al the bbq's/breakfast ,meetings of this club....but he wouldn't talk to me. After a year and a half together...he wouldn't talk to me. How that bothers me so.. I wish I would have been able to pull him aside..but at those situations, it was not the time, nor the place, if shit got ugly...well..ppl. would be taking sides. NOT what I want. I am so conflicted right now..I sent off an e-mail apology mainly because he won't accept my calls....but mainly because I've had a few days to think about it. He called me up last monday ACCUSING me of talking shit about him when he was out of town..then proceeded to question EVERY person that I talked to to make SURE that I didn't talk shit after I TOLD HIM that I DIDN'T TALK SHIT...WTF?? More than anything...the thing that hurt me is the fact that after a year and a half...he STILL doesn't trust me. All I said was "Oh yeah, he's a great guy, good to know, you'll have a lot of fun"...other than that...I didn't say a thing up until the point where he was accusing me of shit. I vented to one person...ONE person...because I feel betrayed...I feel hurt that he thinks I would do that to him. I feel that he truly doesn't know me at all.........and after year and a half...I'm not sure i know him at all either. It hurts...my chest has hurt inside for days...I ache...I can't sleep..I can't eat...I'm miserable...over someone who will never respect me..which just makes me sadder.